Bereavment/grief counselling
Bereave
Old English bereafian "to deprive of, take away by violence, seize, rob," from be- + reafian "rob, plunder," from Proto-Germanic *raubojanan, from PIE *reup- "to snatch" (see rapid). A common Germanic formation (compare Old Frisian birava "despoil," Old Saxon biroban, Dutch berooven, Old High German biroubon, German berauben, Gothic biraubon).
Since mid-17c., mostly in reference to life, hope, loved ones, and other immaterial possessions. Past tense forms bereaved and bereft have co-existed since 14c., now slightly differentiated in meaning, the former applied to loss of loved ones, the latter to circumstances.
https://www.etymonline.com/word/bereave
Stages of bereavement:
Not everyone goes through all of those stages, in given order and time. Majority of people experiences those at some point.
Emotions associated with grief include:
The feelings, thoughts, behaviours or physical reactions will depend on the kind of relationship you had with the dead person or the nature of their death.
The importance of mourning
Mourning involves rituals like funerals, wakes and anniversary celebrations, which help to add structure to an otherwise chaotic and confusing time. Mourning allows us to say goodbye. Seeing the body, watching the burial, or scattering the ashes is a way of affirming what has happened.
What is bereavement counselling?
Bereavement counselling aims to get you to the point where you can function normally.
Specifically, bereavement counselling can:
Since we were told to include different ethnicities, I decided to reasarch different religions and cultures and the ways in which they bury the dead bodie and how they deal with the grief.
Religious Observances of Death
http://adventist.org.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0018/39321/Cultural-differences-in-dealing-with-loss.pdf
Answers to religious questions form view of life, death and meaning for most victims/survivor.
Many people do not know their position on religion until loss strikes, and then their religious faith and beliefs are formed. Some religions give individuals more power over life than others while some religions give certain people power over life whereas some give spirits more power over death than the living. Some religioms give free will or fatalism and all have defined ways of dealing with death.
Some religious differences include:
1. Jewish observances
2. Roman Catholic observances
3. Protestant observances
4. Islamic Traditions
Practices of the Asian Culture:
Asiansmay follow Buddhist, Confucian, or Taoist practices regarding death, with some elements of Christian traditions.
Practices of the African Culture
Practices of the West Indian Culture:
Practices of the Hispanic- Culture:
Practices of the British Culture:
Symbolism of death - cultures
Black - west culture associates black colour with death
White - east culture associates black colour with death
Skull and Skeleton - as it is what stays after the person dies
Scythe - death in a human like form is usally presented carrying a scythe
Ravens and Crows - Christians believe that those birds signify death and desctruction
Vultures - birds who eat dead things
Angels - Christains believe that those are the link etween the life and death and that they take your soul after your death
Red poppies - 1st and 2nd world war
Valhalla - Viking mythology, Valhalla is the great hall of the god Odin, where slain warriors who have died as heroes go
Cypress tree - Planted in graveyards as it's believed to preserve bodies
Red ribbon - a symbol of those who passed due to AIDS
River Styx and Acheron - From Greek mythology, rivers across which Charon (the ferryman) ferried your soul when you died, into Hades (the underworld where souls live)
https://www.thoughtco.com/death-symbols-in-art-2573766
Number 4 - in Chinese 死 (sǐ) represents death and is seen as unlicky number.
Number 3 - the astral or emotional body stays connected to the physically body for three days after death. There is scientific evidence that the brain, even when all other systems are failing takes three days to register complete shutdown.
http://www.crystalinks.com/numerology2.html
Marigold - a flower representative of grief
Carnations, Roses, and Tulips - in western culture, commonly used at funerals
Yellow and white flowers - those are used in east cuture for the funeral. Red and other bright colours are seen as colours of joy.
http://www.flowermeaning.com/flower-of-death/
Lily - associated with funural services
Flowers commonly used for funerals:
Deay of the dead - Mexican celebration, where family and friends gather to eat together and remmeber the ones who passed. They often tell funny stories and look through the photos and objects associated with the dead.
It is believed that the spirit of the dead visit their families on October 31 and leave on November 2.
In order to celebrate, the families make altars and place ofrendas of food, candles, incense, yellow marigolds and a photo of the departed soul is placed on the altar.
The celebration is souranded by Joy. Mexican culture try to accept death and welcom it with laughter.
https://www.niu.edu/newsplace/nndia.html
There is many films that capture the death, the loss, the bereavement etc.
1. Before I wake ( Mike Flanagan 2016)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3174376/
http://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/before-i-wake/270085/before-i-wake-review
http://gruesomemagazine.com/2016/06/08/wake-2016-psychological-drama-explores-loss-grief-nightmares-come-life/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Before_I_Wake_(2016_film)
Cody's mum - Andrea died due to contracted pancreatic cancer. The boy saw his mother in advanced state of the cancer. Her physical state was so bad, she almost resembled a Cankerman. Boy remembered that; moreover he mispronounced as "canker." Cody's subconscious created the monster that look like the Cankerman as a way of dealing with his feelings on his mother's death.
2. Black Mirror - be right back ( Owen Harris 2013)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2290780/
https://www.inverse.com/article/22535-black-mirror-be-right-back-best-episode-netflix
So far we can see that they way in which she tries to deal with her grief is a way in which she basically does not accept her loss. She reconstructs her partner and forces herself to believe that he is her real Ash.
Since the new "Ash" is not a real person and does not have or know everything that Ash did, Martha gets very upset with him. She yells and him for not doing things "right" and forces him to leave her alone.
She also wanted him to act more like a human. To do that she tried to force him to hit her, but he knew that the real Ash did not do it so he refused.
3. The Babadook ( Jennifer Kent 2014)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2321549/
http://variety.com/2014/film/reviews/film-review-the-babadook-1201088892/
http://lynncinnamon.com/2014/12/babadook-tale-nightmare-grief/
The film shows how the grief may stay silent for very long time and the burst of emotions may explode a long time after the loss.
Amelia (Essie Davis) and her son Samuel (Noah Wiseman)survived a car accident in which their husband and father died.
Amelia is a single mother who must work long hours to support her young son. Samuel on the other side has aggression problems and lack father figure. His behavior pushes their friends and family away. It all builds Amelia's depression and hopelessness. Being busy working and taking care of her son' being alone without friends or family to talk to, she keeps all of her emotions inside that are soon to explode.
Mother reads a book to her son called "Mr. Babadook" and it soon starts to hunt herself and her son.
It becomes a nightmare, a representation of their fears, longing, sadness and grief.
At first Amelia sees her son as a obstacle in her everyday life. It was a constant reminder of her husband's death as the boy was born on a day of the accident.
The young boy felt like he needed to be the one to protect himself and his mother, therefore he was acting strange.
In the end they both face their fears and longings. They accept them, however they never truly get over they loss.
4. A monster Calls (J.A. Bayona 2016)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3416532/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
http://www.tampabay.com/things-to-do/movies/review-a-monster-calls-a-sophisticated-look-at-grief-through-a-childs-eyes/2308368
Conor O'Malley (Lewis MacDougall) is a young boy who tries to take care of his dying of cancer Mum (Felicity Jones). He is doing it all by himself and that keeps his asure that she will be ok and that she will win with the cancer. Sadly her health does not goes any better but worse. With his grandmother showing up to take care of him and her daughter, boy starts to feel helpless.
Boy's mother was always telling him stories and he was adding to them from his imagination. Outside their house grew a huge tree that in the boy's mind was a big monster.
Later in the film it becomes what the boy fears and represents him overcoming that fear.
The monster tells him three stories that relfect Conor's reality, basycally trying to help him with accepting the situation he is and the fact that his mum is dyin and that she probably will not make it.
In the story Conor learns how to allow himself to be just a child, who does not act like an adult who protects and takes care of his mother, but as a child who is scared of loosing her and being alone, as a child who is angry that she is ill and that she will leave him alone. He also learns to accept his grandmothers help and feelings, which shows that he accepts the fact that he is allowed to be weak in this situation and opens up to people who love him and can support him.
One of the caracters is suicidal and one self harm
"During 2012, there were 5,981 suicides in the UK, but the number of attempted suicides is much higher.
Suicide occurs in people of all ages, including children, but adults in middle- and late-middle age have the highest suicide rate."
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/
There is many reasons for a person to be suicidal. Some of them are:
A lot of the time it is hard to tell if a person is suicidal, because they do not want to talk about it. They feel guilty of feeling that way and they feel like nobody would understand or want to listen to them. They also shut down and avoid contacts with other people, therefoer they avoid talking about themselves.
There is a couple of signs that a person may by suicidal:
Gender roles 50s - 60s
https://genderraceclassblog.wordpress.com/gender-roles-for-housing-in-1950s-60s/
https://prezi.com/n9vnofi8jvlv/the-gender-roles-of-the-1960s/
https://prezi.com/-coi-x0xkiu3/gender-roles-in-the-50s-and-60s/
One of our characters Rosemary was born in late 60s, early 70s. We decided that she will be quite old fashioned, therefore not liking Jess swearing or Harvey showing his emotions in public such as crying.
I looked at the gender roles in 50s and 60s because that is the time in which Rosemary peretns were born in. The things she believed in were most likely thought to he rby her perents.
50s and 60s were years just after the 2ndWW. Men came back from the war and were expected to get merried and take care of their families, where females were fired from their jobs. They were expected to take care of the household and motherhood.
That made men feel more dominant and females feel lees empowered.
“ society and culture insisted that it was a man’s job and it wouldn’t be acceptable for a woman to do such work.” (White 2016)
https://genderraceclassblog.wordpress.com/gender-roles-for-housing-in-1950s-60s/
“Being the sole provider for the family gave men a significant amount of power in their homes and contributed to feelings of male superiority.” (White 2016)
https://genderraceclassblog.wordpress.com/gender-roles-for-housing-in-1950s-60s/
Females were not allowed to divorse their husbands. If they did they would be hated by the rest of their town and they would not be able to find a job, therefore, support themselves. They were expected to take care o fthe house, children and their husbands even if they were unhappy in their families.
On the other hand, men was expected to be strong and dominant. There were also types of jobs that thier could not do such as nurse or househusband as their were seen as female jobs.
That means, that Rosemary perents could tought her those gender roles. Therefore she could possibly do not like Harvey showing his emotions in public as it is would be seen as not manly.
Women rights 70s-80s
https://sites.google.com/site/exploringtheseventies/home/politics/the-role-of-women-in-the-70-s
https://prezi.com/idsktas0snms/gender-roles-during-the-1980s/
Around 70s, females started fighting for their rights. They wanted free access to legal abortion, analyzing and overcoming oppression; they also challanged sexisms.
During 80s females started working again. It was more acceptable for them to work alongside men.
Males were still seen as the dominant ones, but they had to accept that some females were on better possitions than them (in a workplace).
That makes Rosemary a hard working person that we made her to be.
She was a person who was always working, supporting her family, husband and then her son and his family. Therefore she felt like she must stay strong. Seeing Harvey cry, reminded her of her own father and her husband, being a "strong" and "masculine" men who would not show their emotion in a public place.
Grief in literature
Jandy Nelson (1956- )
http://www.walker.co.uk/contributors/Jandy-Nelson-9015.aspx
Jandy Nelson is an author of two amazing books "I'll give you the sun" and "Sky is everywhere" for teenagers. Both of the books in some ways or fully concentrate on the grief and dealing with the loss of the loved ones.
"Sky is everywhere" (2010)
The book tells a story of a girl called Lennie who lost her sister. She pushes away her family and firends. She stops playing music, which is something she loves the most. She starts to write short notes about her sister which she leaves everywhere as if her sister could find them. She sometimes calles her number and leaves messages. She also refuses to clean her sister's room and keeps wearing her clothes or hides in her clothes so she can smell her sister's smell. It made her feel like she was still there with her. Her sister's boyfriend becomes the only thing that has a little bit of her sister in it. In grief they attempt to have sex. It makes them both miserable but their presence bring the ghost of Bailey (the dead sister)between them and make them feel like she did not really pass away.
The whole book is about Lennie trying to accept her sisters death which she eventually does thanks to a new student at her college. They fall in love with each other which eventually helps Lennie with playing music again, wearing her own clothes, communicating with her family and friends, and getting rid of Bailey stuff.
"I'll give you the sun" (2014)
The book tells a story of two siblings Noah and Jude. Thei mother dies in a car accident. Jude feels like her mother hated her, because she throw away her brothers acceptance letter from an art school to which her mother, herself and her brother wanted to get in. She strongly believes that her mothers ghost is making her life hard since all of her artworks get destroyed as soon they are finished, not realising that it is her own fault. She doesnot realise that she is the one hating her work and purposuly making it bad.
On the other hand Noah was a witness of his mother cheating on their father. He told her that he hates her and it made her cry. Just after that she died. He is sure that it was his fault because she was nervous when driving. Feeling guilty, he stopped talking to anyone. He gave up on everything and everyone. Feeling devasted he was jumping of a very high cliff, always hoping to die.
The book shows how grief may push family member apart and that sometimes it may make us feel guilty for things we had no real impact on. It lso shows that sometimes the grief may be so strong it may push us to suicidal thoughts, which we also want to show through the character of Harvey.
"The perks of being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky (2009)
The story follows a character named Charlie. He wrties annonymous letters no no one, telling the stories of his life.
When he was a little boy, his aunt Hellen was his favorite person in the family. She was his whole world. One day on his birthday his aunt died in a car accident. Later on we also learn that she was sexually abusing the boy, who had no idea about it.
Charlie has also lost his friend who commited suicide when they were both in primary school. The book focuses on grief, sexuality and sexual abuse/harrassment.
We get to know that Charlie suffered depression and anxiety after his auntie and best friend's death. The way he tells his stories shows clearly that he is not an ordinary teenager. It almsot seems like he is still this 7 years old boy who lost the most important peron in his life.
His depression and anxiety were so severe the boy was often taken to doctors and has been given special medication.
In the book it is the way in which the boy deals with his grief as well as the feeling of guilt. He is sure that hisaut died because of him, that it is his fault. His birthday was on Christmas day and she was the only one to give him two gifts; one for birthday and one for Christmas. That year she had to pick the second one up for him, and that was what made him feel guilty. He hated his birthday and as close it was getting to them, Charlie would feel worse and the depression and anxiety would attack him again.
Manga "Kuroshitsuji eng. Black Butler" by Yana Yoboso (2007)
The story follows a journey of a young boy called Ciel Phantomhive; son to rich family, producing sweets. One day his family gets killed and the whole house gets set on fire. The boy himself gets kidnapped and abused by adult men who try to sell him as well as other children.
Close to death boy, filled with anger to those who killed his family, he summons a dimon whose helped him escape. The boy asked him to help him to find the ones who killed his family and help him with killing them. In return the demon could eat his soul when the promise was realized.
When the boy escapes, he goes back to his house, where he lives his life as the head of the Phantom company, on a side working for the Queen Victoria.
There we can see that a young boy is filled with seriousness, calmness and coldess that would be normally expected from adults. He is very independent and determined to find the ones who killed his family. He experiences horrifying adventures which normal child would be afraid off.
His grief made him cold, closed to his friends and family. He stopped trusting others and become cruel. He stopped caring about his own life. He was ready to give it away to a monster just so he could make the justice on his perents death.
He never accepted his perents death. His grief never ended, yet killed the joy of life and being a child in Ciel.
Old English bereafian "to deprive of, take away by violence, seize, rob," from be- + reafian "rob, plunder," from Proto-Germanic *raubojanan, from PIE *reup- "to snatch" (see rapid). A common Germanic formation (compare Old Frisian birava "despoil," Old Saxon biroban, Dutch berooven, Old High German biroubon, German berauben, Gothic biraubon).
Since mid-17c., mostly in reference to life, hope, loved ones, and other immaterial possessions. Past tense forms bereaved and bereft have co-existed since 14c., now slightly differentiated in meaning, the former applied to loss of loved ones, the latter to circumstances.
https://www.etymonline.com/word/bereave
Stages of bereavement:
Not everyone goes through all of those stages, in given order and time. Majority of people experiences those at some point.
- Accepting that your loss really happened
- Experiencing the pain that comes with grief
Emotions associated with grief include:
- fear - frightened of being left alone, of breaking down or losing control, of a similar even happening again, of going to particular places that recall the event, for your own safety, for the safaty of those close to you. Sound or a smell may remmind of the event which causes fear. The person may have panic attacks
- sadness - sadness about the death, about other deaths, injures and losses
- longing - longing for things that have gone, for things that can never happen now
- guilt - guilty for being better off than others who you think have suffered more, for being alive or not injured, for not having done or not said and done in reflection to the dead person
- shame - shame for being seen to he helpless, being emotional and needing others, for not having reacted/behaved as you would have wished
- anger - angry about what has happened, with whoever caused it or allowed it to happen, about the injustice and senselessness of it, about other people's lack of understanding, about other people's percived mistakes or failures
- numbness - not believing that it happend, feeling like it is a dream or that it happend to someone else
- emptiness/ hopelessness about the future - feeling like life is not living, may feel like want to die or harm yourself
- memories -repeated and intrusive thoughts and memories of those who have died or been injured or the event itself.
- inability to concentrate -the stress and anxiety may stop you from concentrating on everyday life tasks.
- reconstructing/questioning the event - constantly thinking about the event, changing it in your mind, asking questions such as "why" or "why me".
- dreams and flashbacks - Re-experiencing the trauma through unwanted images or flashbacks, having nightmares
- crying lots or not at all, or in situations that you would not normally cry in
- drinking alcohol, taking drugs, smoking
- avoiding places, objects and people who remind you of the person that you loss
- loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, increased heart rate, stomach upsets and exhaustion.
- people may not understand what you are going through or you may feel like that is the case. You may feel isolated and lonely dispate people being around you. You may want to be left alone or surrounded by selected by you people
The feelings, thoughts, behaviours or physical reactions will depend on the kind of relationship you had with the dead person or the nature of their death.
- Trying to adjust to life without them
- Moving on
The importance of mourning
Mourning involves rituals like funerals, wakes and anniversary celebrations, which help to add structure to an otherwise chaotic and confusing time. Mourning allows us to say goodbye. Seeing the body, watching the burial, or scattering the ashes is a way of affirming what has happened.
What is bereavement counselling?
Bereavement counselling aims to get you to the point where you can function normally.
Specifically, bereavement counselling can:
- offer an understanding of the mourning process
explore areas that could potentially prevent you from moving on
help resolve areas of conflict still remaining
help you to adjust to a new sense of self - address possible issues of depression or suicidal thoughts.
Since we were told to include different ethnicities, I decided to reasarch different religions and cultures and the ways in which they bury the dead bodie and how they deal with the grief.
Religious Observances of Death
http://adventist.org.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0018/39321/Cultural-differences-in-dealing-with-loss.pdf
Answers to religious questions form view of life, death and meaning for most victims/survivor.
Many people do not know their position on religion until loss strikes, and then their religious faith and beliefs are formed. Some religions give individuals more power over life than others while some religions give certain people power over life whereas some give spirits more power over death than the living. Some religioms give free will or fatalism and all have defined ways of dealing with death.
Some religious differences include:
1. Jewish observances
- autopsies and embalming are generally prohibited
- viewing corpse is seen as disrespectful
- Saturdays or major religious holidays are days when the family or friends cannot have the funeral
- music and flowers are not encouraged
- Family members are encouraged to place a shovel of earth on the casket, as a sign of the finality of death
- The period of mourning lasts for one year.
- "Sitting Shiva" is a seven -day mourning period followed by burial, when family lights a candle or a lamp and it remains burning until the end of sitting shiva. During the period "Kaddish" - a deep preyer - is said every day until Sitting Shiva ends.
- (some people) people do not have any guests for 2 days after the burial
- after the Sitting Shiva ends, fmily members have to recite "Kaddish" twice per day for 30 days.
- Many mourners wear a black pin with a torn ribbon, or a torn garment during the funeral and for the next week as a symbol of grief
- (some) newborn babies may be named afte the dead person.
- the first anniversary is marked by the unveiling of a tombstone at a special ceremony
2. Roman Catholic observances
- as the person is dying they confess
- If a person dies before the sacraments are given, the priest will anoint the deceased conditionally within three hours of the time of death
- there are distinct phases to "The Mass of Christian Burial":
- Prayers at the funeral home;
- Welcoming the body to the church;
- Covering the casket with a white cloth;
- Sprinkling the casket with holy water;
- The Eucharist is celebrated;
- Prayers are said after the Mass;
- Casket is escorted to back of church;
- At the cemetery, the grave is blessed.
- the prayers address not only the dead but the survivors so that their faith in eternal life is encouraged
3. Protestant observances
- family gathers at their home or funeral home
- caskets, open or closed, are part of passage
- memorial items may be placed in the casket
- cremation is an accepted option for some
- black dress is a part of mourning
- funeral services include music (traditional hymns and/or songs of praise celebrating the Christian experience and the hope of everlasting life) and testimonial
- gravesite visits may be made and memorial services are common, and sometimes replace funerals and other immediate observances of death
- flowers, food and docantions are given as expression of condolences
- there is no formal structure and given period of time for the family to grief
4. Islamic Traditions
- Death is considered an act of God so is not questioned
- God was the one to decide on the time and way in which a person dies
- crying is encouraged as it is believed that crying cleans the soul
- not agreeing with God's decision is seen as sin
- for seven days the family is never left alone
- friends and neighbours bring food during those seven days
- in the past the family could not watch tv or listen to radio for 40 days
- a religious preyer is being said on 40th and 52nd day after the death
- the body must be burried in a cemetery for Muslims. Also the preyers must be led by Muslim
- a special ceremony and prayers accompany the funeral
- the body is buried without the coffin and wrapped in white clothes
- the body must touch the earth
- the body must go through specyfic rituals before the ceremony
- the body is not washed
- when meeting with someone who has lost a relative, conversations start by saying: "May you be alive and May God's blessings be on him/her - the deceased. "
- dismemberment and mutilation outside the natural deterioration of the body is taboo
- it is believed that the spirit never dies
- the spirit may be associated with a particular facet of nature - animal, bird, plant, water, and so forth. Symbols of such spirits may be a part of the ritual in the death ceremony
- the body should be buried in its hometown
Practices of the Asian Culture:
Asiansmay follow Buddhist, Confucian, or Taoist practices regarding death, with some elements of Christian traditions.
- family gathers at the funural house to make arrangements, however the oldests fmily members are the ones responsible for the ceremony.
- warm clothes may be used for burial and watertight caskets are used to keep the elements out
- people remain calm and stoic
- keeping feelings inside is common and therefore it often leads to depression
- poems in calligraphy are left for the deceased
- (china) a cooked chicken may be placed by the casket as a last meal for the deceased and spirits and it is buried with the body
- a band may play music on the way to the cementary
- family and friends gather together for a meal after the ceremony to show the respect to the spirit of the dead person
- (japan) a picture or plaque is usually kept in the home and displayed with items that create a shrine
- (japan) building a little shire "butsudan" in the house dedicated to those who passed.
- a photo af the dead
- candle
- scent
- favorite food of the dead
- important objects for the family
- favorite objects of the dead
Practices of the African Culture
- funeral director are highly involved in preparations for mourning and burial
- family and freinds gather at home to support and grief together
- music, songs and hymns are played or sung
- (some) Africans hold a service known as a "Home-Going" service. It usually reflects the personality of the deceased and celebrates the conviction of going home to Jesus and being reunited with past friends and relatives.
- family and friends gather together for a meal after the funeral
- (some) African communities mourn by dressing in white as a sign of resurrection
- (many) Africans often wear red or black and often express grief at death with the physical manifestation of great emotion
- they believe that he spirit stays alive in memories and thoughts of those who live and they will help new spirits to move to the next world
Practices of the West Indian Culture:
- close family members and relatives make arrangements for the funeral and church services;
- family and close friends gather together at the home to pray and offer support
- a wake is held at the home of the deceased every night from the time of the death to the time of the burial
- at the wake, they chat, eat, drink, and share jokes
- a viewing is followed by the funeral service and burial
- close family members mourn by dressing in black or white
- dark colors such as blue, purple, and brown are worn at the funeral
- (many) West Indians express grief with the physical manifestation of great emotion
- pople gather together to share the food after the funeral
Practices of the Hispanic- Culture:
- high involvement of the priest in the funeral plans
- family and friends are encouraged to be part of the commemoration
- the rosary is said by surviving loved ones, often at the home of the deceased
- among some Hispanic groups the rosary is said each night for nine nights after the death
- some families say the rosary every month for a year after the death and then repeat it on each anniversary
- people are mostly encouraged to express their grief
- people commemorate the loss of their loved ones with promises or commitments. Those are taken very seriosuly and unfulfilled are seen as sinfull.
- it is common for friends and neighbours to support the funeral costs with their own goods.
Practices of the British Culture:
- friends and family gather at the home of the deceased or family member to support and share in the common grief
- Family and friends high depend on the funeral director and/or person of the clergy in preparations for mourning and burial
- a visitation and/or viewing at a funeral home is typically followed by a religious and/or graveside/crypt side service
- dark clothing tends to be worn during ceremonial services
- Interment is followed by a gathering at the home of the deceased, or a family
- member where food and refreshment are provided
Symbolism of death - cultures
Black - west culture associates black colour with death
White - east culture associates black colour with death
Skull and Skeleton - as it is what stays after the person dies
Scythe - death in a human like form is usally presented carrying a scythe
Ravens and Crows - Christians believe that those birds signify death and desctruction
Vultures - birds who eat dead things
Angels - Christains believe that those are the link etween the life and death and that they take your soul after your death
Red poppies - 1st and 2nd world war
Valhalla - Viking mythology, Valhalla is the great hall of the god Odin, where slain warriors who have died as heroes go
Cypress tree - Planted in graveyards as it's believed to preserve bodies
Red ribbon - a symbol of those who passed due to AIDS
River Styx and Acheron - From Greek mythology, rivers across which Charon (the ferryman) ferried your soul when you died, into Hades (the underworld where souls live)
https://www.thoughtco.com/death-symbols-in-art-2573766
Number 4 - in Chinese 死 (sǐ) represents death and is seen as unlicky number.
Number 3 - the astral or emotional body stays connected to the physically body for three days after death. There is scientific evidence that the brain, even when all other systems are failing takes three days to register complete shutdown.
http://www.crystalinks.com/numerology2.html
Marigold - a flower representative of grief
Carnations, Roses, and Tulips - in western culture, commonly used at funerals
Yellow and white flowers - those are used in east cuture for the funeral. Red and other bright colours are seen as colours of joy.
http://www.flowermeaning.com/flower-of-death/
Lily - associated with funural services
Flowers commonly used for funerals:
- Gladioli
- Carnations
- Chrysanthemums
- Orchid plant
- Hydrangea plant
- Daffodils
Deay of the dead - Mexican celebration, where family and friends gather to eat together and remmeber the ones who passed. They often tell funny stories and look through the photos and objects associated with the dead.
It is believed that the spirit of the dead visit their families on October 31 and leave on November 2.
In order to celebrate, the families make altars and place ofrendas of food, candles, incense, yellow marigolds and a photo of the departed soul is placed on the altar.
The celebration is souranded by Joy. Mexican culture try to accept death and welcom it with laughter.
https://www.niu.edu/newsplace/nndia.html
There is many films that capture the death, the loss, the bereavement etc.
1. Before I wake ( Mike Flanagan 2016)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3174376/
http://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/before-i-wake/270085/before-i-wake-review
http://gruesomemagazine.com/2016/06/08/wake-2016-psychological-drama-explores-loss-grief-nightmares-come-life/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Before_I_Wake_(2016_film)
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Jessie (Kate Bosworth) and Mark (Thomas Jane) loss their son in a household accident. After some time they decide to adopt eight-year-old Cody (Jacob Tremblay) to build their family again.
Here we can see how the family deals with the grief by trying their best not to give up on their relationship. They both silently blame each other, but still try to accept what happened and move on. To help them with that, they decide to adopt eight-year-old Cody (Jacob Tremblay).
When the little boy is asleep, his dreams become real and people around him are affected by them.
Cody dreams about their dead son, after seeing a photo of him. Soon it is being used against him. Jessie forces Cody to sleep by giving him pills to help him fall asleep. She shows him photos and videos of her dead son, just so he will be able to recreate those events in his dreams and so she could watch them in her living room as they were real life events.
Here we can see how her grief made her use a little boy, just so she can see someone that she have lost.
Later on, the boy has nightmares which he avoids with all his will by drinking energy drinks and eating sweets during the night. In those nightmares, a skinny creature attacks himself and those around him.
Cody's mum - Andrea died due to contracted pancreatic cancer. The boy saw his mother in advanced state of the cancer. Her physical state was so bad, she almost resembled a Cankerman. Boy remembered that; moreover he mispronounced as "canker." Cody's subconscious created the monster that look like the Cankerman as a way of dealing with his feelings on his mother's death.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2290780/
https://www.inverse.com/article/22535-black-mirror-be-right-back-best-episode-netflix
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Martha (Haley Atwell) losses her partner Ash (Domhnall Gleeson) in a car crash. Martha is devastated and the situation gets even worse when she finds out that she is pregnant with her dead partner.
At first she seems to try to work as hard as possible to stop herself from thinking about her loss but it does not work.
In good intention her friend signs her up to a service which uses photos letters, mails and videos to reconstruct a person.
Martha uses the service and finds it helpful. She adds more and more information about Ash until she is able to phone-talk the robot with his voice. Addicted, she goes even further and she buys a robot body that then evolves into her dead partner's body.
So far we can see that they way in which she tries to deal with her grief is a way in which she basically does not accept her loss. She reconstructs her partner and forces herself to believe that he is her real Ash.
Since the new "Ash" is not a real person and does not have or know everything that Ash did, Martha gets very upset with him. She yells and him for not doing things "right" and forces him to leave her alone.
She also wanted him to act more like a human. To do that she tried to force him to hit her, but he knew that the real Ash did not do it so he refused.
In the end, Martha locks the machine away from the world and allows her daughter to see him once every year on her birthday.
It shows how she was unable to accept her partner's death to the point where she could not possibly give up on the machine or see it and listen to it in the same time.
It shows how she was unable to accept her partner's death to the point where she could not possibly give up on the machine or see it and listen to it in the same time.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2321549/
http://variety.com/2014/film/reviews/film-review-the-babadook-1201088892/
http://lynncinnamon.com/2014/12/babadook-tale-nightmare-grief/
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The film shows how the grief may stay silent for very long time and the burst of emotions may explode a long time after the loss.
Amelia (Essie Davis) and her son Samuel (Noah Wiseman)survived a car accident in which their husband and father died.
Amelia is a single mother who must work long hours to support her young son. Samuel on the other side has aggression problems and lack father figure. His behavior pushes their friends and family away. It all builds Amelia's depression and hopelessness. Being busy working and taking care of her son' being alone without friends or family to talk to, she keeps all of her emotions inside that are soon to explode.
Mother reads a book to her son called "Mr. Babadook" and it soon starts to hunt herself and her son.
It becomes a nightmare, a representation of their fears, longing, sadness and grief.
At first Amelia sees her son as a obstacle in her everyday life. It was a constant reminder of her husband's death as the boy was born on a day of the accident.
The young boy felt like he needed to be the one to protect himself and his mother, therefore he was acting strange.
In the end they both face their fears and longings. They accept them, however they never truly get over they loss.
4. A monster Calls (J.A. Bayona 2016)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3416532/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
http://www.tampabay.com/things-to-do/movies/review-a-monster-calls-a-sophisticated-look-at-grief-through-a-childs-eyes/2308368
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Conor O'Malley (Lewis MacDougall) is a young boy who tries to take care of his dying of cancer Mum (Felicity Jones). He is doing it all by himself and that keeps his asure that she will be ok and that she will win with the cancer. Sadly her health does not goes any better but worse. With his grandmother showing up to take care of him and her daughter, boy starts to feel helpless.
Boy's mother was always telling him stories and he was adding to them from his imagination. Outside their house grew a huge tree that in the boy's mind was a big monster.
Later in the film it becomes what the boy fears and represents him overcoming that fear.
The monster tells him three stories that relfect Conor's reality, basycally trying to help him with accepting the situation he is and the fact that his mum is dyin and that she probably will not make it.
In the story Conor learns how to allow himself to be just a child, who does not act like an adult who protects and takes care of his mother, but as a child who is scared of loosing her and being alone, as a child who is angry that she is ill and that she will leave him alone. He also learns to accept his grandmothers help and feelings, which shows that he accepts the fact that he is allowed to be weak in this situation and opens up to people who love him and can support him.
One of the caracters is suicidal and one self harm
"During 2012, there were 5,981 suicides in the UK, but the number of attempted suicides is much higher.
Suicide occurs in people of all ages, including children, but adults in middle- and late-middle age have the highest suicide rate."
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/
There is many reasons for a person to be suicidal. Some of them are:
- life history - things from the past such as sexual or physical abuse, trauma
- mental health - such as depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, anorexia nervosa
- lifestyle - for axample drugs or alcochol
- recent actions and events
- sourandings - people, lonliness, harassment and bullying, relationships, loss or grief
- employment - low level of satisfaction
- genetics and family history
- anxiety - stress, overthinging, social anxiety etc.
- self harm
- sexuality unacceptance
- being homeless
- being in prison
- being exposed to other people suffering from sucidal thoughts and behaviours
- being on antidepressants
A lot of the time it is hard to tell if a person is suicidal, because they do not want to talk about it. They feel guilty of feeling that way and they feel like nobody would understand or want to listen to them. They also shut down and avoid contacts with other people, therefoer they avoid talking about themselves.
There is a couple of signs that a person may by suicidal:
- self harm
- weight loss or growth
- lack of self image interest
- lossing interest in doing things such as hobbies
- avoiding social interactions
- trouble with sleeping or sleeping a lot
- sudden mood swings
- openly showing they sadness
- openly talking about their emotions
Gender roles 50s - 60s
https://genderraceclassblog.wordpress.com/gender-roles-for-housing-in-1950s-60s/
https://prezi.com/n9vnofi8jvlv/the-gender-roles-of-the-1960s/
https://prezi.com/-coi-x0xkiu3/gender-roles-in-the-50s-and-60s/
One of our characters Rosemary was born in late 60s, early 70s. We decided that she will be quite old fashioned, therefore not liking Jess swearing or Harvey showing his emotions in public such as crying.
I looked at the gender roles in 50s and 60s because that is the time in which Rosemary peretns were born in. The things she believed in were most likely thought to he rby her perents.
50s and 60s were years just after the 2ndWW. Men came back from the war and were expected to get merried and take care of their families, where females were fired from their jobs. They were expected to take care of the household and motherhood.
That made men feel more dominant and females feel lees empowered.
“ society and culture insisted that it was a man’s job and it wouldn’t be acceptable for a woman to do such work.” (White 2016)
https://genderraceclassblog.wordpress.com/gender-roles-for-housing-in-1950s-60s/
“Being the sole provider for the family gave men a significant amount of power in their homes and contributed to feelings of male superiority.” (White 2016)
https://genderraceclassblog.wordpress.com/gender-roles-for-housing-in-1950s-60s/
Females were not allowed to divorse their husbands. If they did they would be hated by the rest of their town and they would not be able to find a job, therefore, support themselves. They were expected to take care o fthe house, children and their husbands even if they were unhappy in their families.
On the other hand, men was expected to be strong and dominant. There were also types of jobs that thier could not do such as nurse or househusband as their were seen as female jobs.
That means, that Rosemary perents could tought her those gender roles. Therefore she could possibly do not like Harvey showing his emotions in public as it is would be seen as not manly.
Women rights 70s-80s
https://sites.google.com/site/exploringtheseventies/home/politics/the-role-of-women-in-the-70-s
https://prezi.com/idsktas0snms/gender-roles-during-the-1980s/
Around 70s, females started fighting for their rights. They wanted free access to legal abortion, analyzing and overcoming oppression; they also challanged sexisms.
During 80s females started working again. It was more acceptable for them to work alongside men.
Males were still seen as the dominant ones, but they had to accept that some females were on better possitions than them (in a workplace).
That makes Rosemary a hard working person that we made her to be.
She was a person who was always working, supporting her family, husband and then her son and his family. Therefore she felt like she must stay strong. Seeing Harvey cry, reminded her of her own father and her husband, being a "strong" and "masculine" men who would not show their emotion in a public place.
Grief in literature
Jandy Nelson (1956- )
http://www.walker.co.uk/contributors/Jandy-Nelson-9015.aspx
Jandy Nelson is an author of two amazing books "I'll give you the sun" and "Sky is everywhere" for teenagers. Both of the books in some ways or fully concentrate on the grief and dealing with the loss of the loved ones.
"Sky is everywhere" (2010)
The book tells a story of a girl called Lennie who lost her sister. She pushes away her family and firends. She stops playing music, which is something she loves the most. She starts to write short notes about her sister which she leaves everywhere as if her sister could find them. She sometimes calles her number and leaves messages. She also refuses to clean her sister's room and keeps wearing her clothes or hides in her clothes so she can smell her sister's smell. It made her feel like she was still there with her. Her sister's boyfriend becomes the only thing that has a little bit of her sister in it. In grief they attempt to have sex. It makes them both miserable but their presence bring the ghost of Bailey (the dead sister)between them and make them feel like she did not really pass away.
The whole book is about Lennie trying to accept her sisters death which she eventually does thanks to a new student at her college. They fall in love with each other which eventually helps Lennie with playing music again, wearing her own clothes, communicating with her family and friends, and getting rid of Bailey stuff.
"I'll give you the sun" (2014)
The book tells a story of two siblings Noah and Jude. Thei mother dies in a car accident. Jude feels like her mother hated her, because she throw away her brothers acceptance letter from an art school to which her mother, herself and her brother wanted to get in. She strongly believes that her mothers ghost is making her life hard since all of her artworks get destroyed as soon they are finished, not realising that it is her own fault. She doesnot realise that she is the one hating her work and purposuly making it bad.
On the other hand Noah was a witness of his mother cheating on their father. He told her that he hates her and it made her cry. Just after that she died. He is sure that it was his fault because she was nervous when driving. Feeling guilty, he stopped talking to anyone. He gave up on everything and everyone. Feeling devasted he was jumping of a very high cliff, always hoping to die.
The book shows how grief may push family member apart and that sometimes it may make us feel guilty for things we had no real impact on. It lso shows that sometimes the grief may be so strong it may push us to suicidal thoughts, which we also want to show through the character of Harvey.
"The perks of being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky (2009)
When he was a little boy, his aunt Hellen was his favorite person in the family. She was his whole world. One day on his birthday his aunt died in a car accident. Later on we also learn that she was sexually abusing the boy, who had no idea about it.
Charlie has also lost his friend who commited suicide when they were both in primary school. The book focuses on grief, sexuality and sexual abuse/harrassment.
We get to know that Charlie suffered depression and anxiety after his auntie and best friend's death. The way he tells his stories shows clearly that he is not an ordinary teenager. It almsot seems like he is still this 7 years old boy who lost the most important peron in his life.
His depression and anxiety were so severe the boy was often taken to doctors and has been given special medication.
In the book it is the way in which the boy deals with his grief as well as the feeling of guilt. He is sure that hisaut died because of him, that it is his fault. His birthday was on Christmas day and she was the only one to give him two gifts; one for birthday and one for Christmas. That year she had to pick the second one up for him, and that was what made him feel guilty. He hated his birthday and as close it was getting to them, Charlie would feel worse and the depression and anxiety would attack him again.
Manga "Kuroshitsuji eng. Black Butler" by Yana Yoboso (2007)
The story follows a journey of a young boy called Ciel Phantomhive; son to rich family, producing sweets. One day his family gets killed and the whole house gets set on fire. The boy himself gets kidnapped and abused by adult men who try to sell him as well as other children.
Close to death boy, filled with anger to those who killed his family, he summons a dimon whose helped him escape. The boy asked him to help him to find the ones who killed his family and help him with killing them. In return the demon could eat his soul when the promise was realized.
When the boy escapes, he goes back to his house, where he lives his life as the head of the Phantom company, on a side working for the Queen Victoria.
There we can see that a young boy is filled with seriousness, calmness and coldess that would be normally expected from adults. He is very independent and determined to find the ones who killed his family. He experiences horrifying adventures which normal child would be afraid off.
His grief made him cold, closed to his friends and family. He stopped trusting others and become cruel. He stopped caring about his own life. He was ready to give it away to a monster just so he could make the justice on his perents death.
He never accepted his perents death. His grief never ended, yet killed the joy of life and being a child in Ciel.
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